I’m running way behind on this one, ladies. I pondered greatly what I could say about doubt but just never could come up with sentences that made a lot of sense. Doubt is always lurking in the back of my mind…a lot of times it doesn’t even bother to stay in the back – it absolutely bullies its way to the front. When you have lost a child to suicide (as I have) doubt pretty much settles in and takes up residence in your head. You doubt that you were a good mom to that child and you doubt that you are even now a good mom to the ones you still have. You doubt that you will ever come back from such a tragedy and you doubt in your ability to be happy again. You doubt that your spouse will ever stop blaming himself for what happened and you doubt in your ability to help him know it wasn’t his fault. It’s been nearly four years since we lost our child, and all of these doubts remain.
But oh sisters…I never even for one moment doubted that God was my strength and the only way that I would make it through. I never turned my back on Him and I never doubted his love for us or his love for Shane. I know that God could have prevented what happened but I also know that He hurt as much as we did over the decision he made that night.
I leave you with this: in going through my Bible looking at references to doubt I found one that we should all take to heart in dealing with our friends, family, and everyone else.
“Be merciful to those who doubt.” — Jude 1:22 (NIV)
daffodilsandcoffee 
My cousin committed suicide in our back yard when I was 9, I will never forget the name calling and the blame that was placed on everyone, including me by my aunt and uncle. I have also had suicide attempts as I doubted that I could ever have the pain of my abusive past leave me at peace. So, I can fortunately/unfortunately understand how your sweet son was feeling when he took that step. I know some, or a lot, say suicide is a sin because of scripture, but I have never seen it that way. Jesus came to help those who were ill, suffering, plagued. He knows more than anyone that in order to perish over fighting to live is not a healthy state of mind, that it is actually an illness, and therefore not a choice one is rationally making. Rational people don’t take their lives, the suffering-sick do, even if it is hidden by a big ole smile. God holds your sweet son now, just as He did when He created Him. Your son’s life may have made a bigger impact in how it ended than it ever would have had he continued on. Lessons are learned, faith is placed, and doubts are overcome. My heart is with you as I know this weighs heavily on you and your family, but please know that YOU did nothing wrong, I know many who have passed this way and like I said I have been on that edge myself, one thing I have learned is that when I am in that state of mind, no one can rationalize with me -and I am suddenly the best actress alive. Praying for you and your family!! ❤
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Oh, Marisa…how horrible! I’m sorry that you had to suffer that condemnation. I was taught growing up that if a person committed suicide they would go to hell – no ifs, ands, or buts. I questioned my pastor about it after Shane passed and here’s what he said. “When Jesus died on that cross for our sins He died for every sin that we have committed and for every sin in our future.” I never thought of it that way. I know that on that great and glorious day when I step into Heaven my sweet son will be there along with all my other relatives that accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. That makes me smile. Thank you for your prayers , and you know I pray for you as well. You seem like you have such a sweet spirit about you. Love to you, sweetie.
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Oh my friend… praying for you and your family and so thankful for your Brave here in being honest and open. I wish there was a formula or magic prayer that I could pray to make it better… or less heavy anyway… but I am oh so thankful that you never doubted God! (And that verse in Jude? Just Wow!)
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Thank you so much for your kind words, Karrilee. They mean so much to me. Yes, that verse blew me away! I don’t recall reading it before.
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Oh my – well thats left me lost for words. An incredibly beautiful post. Tears for your heartache and loss and humbled by what you have shared, your honesty and grace and faith. I don’t think I’ve ever read that scripture before – yes mercy and more of it because where would we be without His mercy. Thank you and God bless you xx
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Oh, Tracey, we would be up that old oft-spoken of creek without a paddle without His grace. 😊
Thank you for stopping by. I’m following your blog now.
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Yes thank you so much – looking forward to us sharing some good things with each other.
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The way you ended this takes my breath away. Yes, let us be merciful to those who doubt.
I love you.
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Mercy is SO needed in our everyday lives!!! The world would be a much better place if we practiced what we preach. I love you, too!!!
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beautiful words friend! What a wonderful verse. You shouldn’t have doubted your ability to write 🙂
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Thanks, Christy. I owe a lot of my bravery to you. I don’t think a I would every have tried it if you hadn’t came into town. Love ya!
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THIS: “But oh sisters…I never even for one moment doubted that God was my strength and the only way that I would make it through. I never turned my back on Him and I never doubted his love for us or his love for Shane. I know that God could have prevented what happened but I also know that He hurt as much as we did over the decision he made that night.” I didn’t know suicide was part of your story. I lost a dear college friend to suicide. Yes let’s be merciful to all those who doubt.
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Unfortunately, yes, it is a horrible part of my story. I’m so sorry that you have had to experience losing someone you love in that way. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Hugs to you. Thanks for stopping by, Tara.
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Be merciful to those who doubt… the thought just takes your breath away, doesn’t it?
I’m so sorry about your boy. I haven’t known you long enough to know the depths of your story, but oh friend, am I so terribly sorry. It is truly a beautiful thing to see you overcome the doubt with His mercy and love. Truly remarkable. I love you dearly. ❤
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You’re such a sweetie. Maybe I will find the courage to speak more on losing him, but not yet. I love you, too! So glad that I got your name for FMF Snailmail.
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You do what is best for you, on your timetable, lady. We’ll be here when you need us to listen 🙂
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This hits so close to home because our daughter came so close to taking her own life. May you feel the Holy Spirit’s presence to soothe your doubts and calm your troubled soul. He is near.
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Thank you, Anita, for your words of encouragement. Praise God that your daughter was able to come through her trouble.
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I’m sorry for my late arrival; I’ve been a bit unwell, please forgive.
You faced the fell crucible that so few survive. I think you are both awesome, and awe-inspiring.
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So glad that you stopped by, Andrew. I have followed your story. May I say that you have such a way with your words? Every post you have put up has touched my heart. May God continue to be with you and your wife, and may He find it in His will to heal you.
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